Jasione, age 16—After my best friend, Julia took her life at fourteen, I felt so hopeless. At times I felt that I might as well not even try to keep breathing. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Over the last year, through writing lots of poetry, painting and drawing, things have gotten better. I did this painting that I call, “When Reaching in the Dark.” It expresses my feelings of hopelessness after Julia died. The figure on the left represents my feelings of not being able to reach out far enough, while the skeleton in the window manages to reach too far, deep into the figure on the right. I wish I could have done something to prevent Julia’s suicide. I will always remember her as I move forward in my life.
 
Rebecca, age 13—I call this picture “Confused Girl” because that is how I felt when my oldest brother killed himself. He was only twenty years old. He always took me to see good movies and he was teaching me how to drive and about business. He died a few weeks before I got my braces off which makes me sad because he had braces, too, and so he understood. It’s hard to believe he’s really dead. He and his wife were expecting a baby and I know he was excited about that. I don’t know if I will ever understand why he ended his life.
 
Ashley, age 16—Gone But Not Forgotten—The very nature of love is that it is changeable, always growing and expanding, so I sincerely doubt it can be contained by death. I chose to portray love after death because love should not have to end once the person is gone. You should let the grief go, but always embrace the love.
 
 

Given the normal but profound changes of adolescence, a teenager’s grief can be complex. Recent research has only added to the challenge of understanding the dynamics of teen development. It suggests that while teens may “look” physically mature and adult-like, the pre-frontal cortex of their brains is still developing. The pre-frontal cortex is responsible for setting priorities, organizing thoughts, suppressing impulses, and weighing the consequences of their actions. This may explain why some teens are more prone to emotional outbursts, scattered thinking, reckless behavior, and the apparent inability to exercise good judgment—even without adding the staggering emotional weight of a parent who dies by suicide.

Parental disagreements and conflicts are common as teens attempt to establish autonomy. If a suicide occurs following an argument, or if a teen feels he was unresponsive to his parent’s feelings prior to the death, he is likely to feel terribly guilty. A parent’s suicide leaves him with no way to say good-bye or attempt to resolve comments made in anger. This is a particularly devastating experience for a teen. He is likely to experience reactions similar to those of adults, but will have fewer ways to cope.

Although some magical thinking may still occur, most teens are able to view death as final and irreversible. However, there is no getting around the fact that a parent appears to have willfully taken his or her own life. When death has been “chosen,” which is how many young people define suicide, a prolonged and acute sense of unreality often characterizes a teen’s response. Feelings of numbness, followed by anxiety and, on occasion, panic, will often occur.

The physical and emotional shock may leave a teen feeling jittery or light-headed, weak in the knees, or out of breath. She may experience heart palpitations, clammy skin, or an upset stomach. Her mind may simply “go blank” trying to comprehend what has happened. She may discover her short-term memory is impaired and that moments, days, even certain events cannot be recalled. Other teens report feeling a flood of emotions and are compelled to cry, scream, shout, and rage.

“At first I couldn’t believe it,” relates fifteen-year-old Amber. “I remember just standing there and everything around me seemed frozen, as if I was watching myself in the middle of a movie or something. I started yelling and screaming and saying that it wasn’t true, that she couldn’t be dead! And then I started crying. It seemed like I cried for a long, long time, for hours and hours.”

Teens must be allowed to set their own timetable as they begin to integrate the death. They can be encouraged to ask questions when they are ready to learn the answers. They need to know they can decide how many details they want to hear and from whom. Honesty is best from the surviving parent and other important adults. An “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand, either” is better than deflecting or ignoring questions or making up answers.

Teens will grieve and try to take care of themselves consistent with their personalities. Initially, they may need to participate in activities to distract themselves from the pain. They may want to be with friends, go to a movie or out to eat rather than stay at home with family. Playing video games or surfing the Internet, shopping, reading, or watching TV may be a way of taking care of themselves. These reactions should not be viewed as a callous response to the trauma.