As we support children in their grief, we need to keep in mind that they grieve differently than adults. While some youngsters may initially respond with tears, angry outbursts, regressive behavior or anxiety, others appear to be lost in play or unfazed by the news of a death. Children tend to grieve sporadically, in doses, going in and out from grief to play. They are often more capable than adults of putting grief aside. Such responses are not indicative of a child's love for his lost loved one, nor the depth of his grief. Rather, they reflect his limited maturity.

Helping children learn to cope and heal following a traumatic death means we need to encourage them to express their grief—the sadness, anger, hurt, guilt and confusion they feel inside. By gently talking with them about the death and listening to what they say, while also observing their actions, we can discover what they may or may not know, and whether they have misconceptions, worries, or fears. By allowing them to express how they feel or what they think, we can provide comfort and understanding as well as information.

While some children are comfortable talking about what has happened, many do not have the words or the inclination to verbally express what is going on inside themselves. They may prefer drawing or play activities as a way to express their grief. They must not be rushed or coerced to talk. Patience, love, limits, and support are required at this time. The important thing for parents to remember is that there is no one “right” way to grieve.

The Myth of Stages

What we must also remember as we try to support our children is that the mourning process does not move in an orderly, predictable manner. Noted grief pioneer Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, described five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Many people accepted her model as the “proper” way to grieve, but it has been much misunderstood over the years. Kubler-Ross developed her model as a way to describe what she had observed in her work with dying people. She noted that those going through the dying process often experienced these phases. We now know that she did not intend for this sequential stage theory to be applied literally to the bereaved as well, although many who are grieving find themselves experiencing some of those stages. However, most people move back and forth between these phases, which often overlap in time, with one or the other stage perhaps absent altogether. What we need to remember about our own grief and the grief of our children is that each of us is unique, with our own way of expression and our own pace of recovery.